Tears

Tears
are a friend
I am well aqueiented with...

they are always
nearby,
always at hand.

sometimes
they come out because
my heart is touched
in a good way,

sometimes
they come out because
my heart is touched
in a painful way.

I am
good at
hiding them
so most likely,
you will never see
them,
but they are there.

I Close My Eyes

I close my eyes
and the world spins,

I close my eyes
and the tears well up,

they are never far away,
they are just
always right behind my eyes,
always
on the verge of
spilling
over,

because my
heart is in a constant
state of sadness,
of emotional
pain
because
I
will
never
have
who
I want.
or have
anyone period.

I am sad
because
not only
am I not loved by
the one I love,
but because I will never
be loved at all.

I will live alone,
and die alone.

Exception Not The Rule

He says
he doesn't
treat me differently,

I'm treated the
same as other
female friends
of his...

 finally realized
the root of my
frustration at this
lies not in
believing
I'm treateted differently..

but in wanting to
be treated
differently,
to not just be another
friend
to him,
but to be more,
to be special

instead of the rule,
I long
to be the exception.

I long to
be the one,
the one that he
gives a chance
to,
but I wont be.

I will always be the rule.
there is nothing
special in me
to be the exception.

The Closet At The Back Of My Heart

once,
not too long
ago,
i loved
you...

you rejected
it,
turned it
down,
said you didn't
and could never
want it...

I took
my love
for you,
put it into a box
locked it,
and threw it
into the closet at
the back of my heart
and locked the door...

I
convenced
myself
I had dealt with it,
that I had  gotten
over it,
never felt it,
told myself it
was gone.

yet it was
never gone,
it was always locked away
in the back of my heart's closet,
and now...

and now it is knocking,
knocking against the door
and I can hear it,
I can feel it,
and to bring it
out, to let it out,
would be painful,
because it would
be having to be rejected,
and am not strong enough
for that, to go through that
pain one more time.

so i let it keep knocking,so
hard the vibrations can be
seen in my eyes,
in the form of tears....

The Friend

the friend
who smiles at you,
makes you laugh...

the friend that
drives in circles
countless nights,
crying...

the friend that
longs to be
comforted...

the friend that swallows
the tears
during the day...

the friend that
sees having you
as a friend as a
diviine gift...

the friend
that tries to
hide the hurt...

the friend that
loves encouraging
you...


the friend that
loves you
but can't tell you...

these are all the
things I am...

Neither

which
choice
leads me to what I want?

neither.

wether I choose
the choice that
in the long run makes
me feel
better, move on..

or the choice where I
hide it all away and
never deal with it
and live with it and
and the tears for always...

neither of those
choices leads me to
what
I
want.

neither.

what I want...
is to end up with him.

neither.

My Heart

I walk around
happy and
smiley and
enjoying life.

and that's
no lie,
any of it.

yet my heart,
my heart is hurting,
it's hurting because of
feelingsit has strained to
conceal,hide away.

it cries,
even when I am not
crying, my heart is crying,
it is hurting,
and trying to avoid the pain
it knows speaking these feelings
to him would bring.


my hear feels like
a zombie sometimes,
alive yet checking out
sometimes.

my and I know
wgat beeds to be
done, yet we are both scared
of it.

The Truth

the truth
is painful,
the truth
will bring me pain.

the truth
hides inside,
a heavy rock
I carry
inside my heart,
making me
slower.

I know i
need to throw it
out,
admit
the truth,
the truth i have no
problem
admitting to
myself,
but not to you
or anyone else.

yet I know
the consequences,
and they are painful
and full of tears,
endless tears.

I know what
I need to
do, but
it is so terrifying.

I...

I move,
I walk,
I laugh,
I joke,
I read,
I write,
I drive,

I do
this
things and I love them,
yet I also do things
I wish I
didn't.

things that
I can't help,
much as I try,
but that I can only hide.

I play off my
hurt,
my hurt
that I
have
inside my heart,
every day.


I hide my dissapoiment,
and I hide
that I don't like being dissapointed
because I already
have to live every day
with the pain
of not having the relationship I
want,
or a relationship.

I cry,
I hurt,
I get emotionally exhausted
and some days I
wish I could just leave everything
behind and
leave,
go somewhere
new,
somewhere I don;t know
anyone
and become Emily 2.,
model my life
after her.

I don't say the things
I feel but am not supposed to feel let
alone say,
I say the things am supoosed to
say and feel,
though am not
sure if I really feel them
or if am trying to
convenience
myself I do,
like convening yourself
the grapes you couldn't
reach are sour...

I want to
travel,
I want to
teach overseas,
but what I desire,
is to be loved
in that special way.